Most times I am perfectly fine with everything that has recently happened to me. I got a promotion at work to a programmer / analyst from an associate programmer. It feels good to finally be recognized at work for the value which I can provide. Unfortunately, however, there are times which I am really upset.

I must at admit; at this time I’ve had an entire 6 pack of Long Trail Double Bag at Richard and Dianne house. It is certainly possible that the alcohol is aiding in making me feel worse, but it could be my environment too.

I meandered upstairs to visit with Kassie and her friend, the same two who saw me naked the night I downed an entire bottle of vodka and ‘ran around the house naked.’ I can vividly remember punching the brick wall of the elementary school next door in disgust, and anger, and sadness. I was so angry at my exgirlfriend, and the bizarre thing is that I actually had a girl here at the same time, which is why I ended up ‘running around’ naked. Kassie and her friend are nice, I wish I had more friends like them.

Sometimes when I get into these intoxicated states, I feel like I don’t spend enough time with those I love; my grandparents. Here I sit watching my grandfather play poker in his Bond Auto Hat lasting longer than I in his sober state, but I don’t really feel like I am bonding with him. I feel that when I drink like this, I don’t really bond with anyone.

They say that when you drink, your real self comes out. I hope this isn’t the case, because when I drink I feel like I don’t bond with anyone at all. I feel so distant from everyone’s hearts, but so close to everyone’s minds for a joke.

I could  be completely wrong, but it feels sometimes like I am very alone. When I drink, I feel like I am the ‘ life of the party;’ that I am only on anyone’s mind for a quick joke and chuckle. When I don’t drink, I feel like everyone looks at me like I am some arrogant guy. I am not an arrogant guy at all, however, I am just really proud of how far I have come in life.

I wish that I could just find happiness outside of my grandparents. They have essentially raised me. They are the only family members who care when I have not contacted them in awhile they actually call me to find out how I’m doing. It’s been a month since I’ve heard from my dad, and also a long time since my mom has picked up the phone to call me. What’s up with that?